Apple should seriously think about making  iLuggage for all the iStuff that we, the Gen XYZ super consumers, love to sink our teeth into and devour like it’s the last meal we’ll ever have. You know, all that stuff we need to make us feel complete? iPhone. Tick. iPod. Tick. iPod Nano. Tick. iPod Shuffle. Tick. iTouch. Tick. Nike + iTouch. Tick. Oh, and don’t forget your 13-in Macbook Pro, you know, the one with the light-weight aluminium casing and the fancy keyboard that lights up in the dark?

One thing’s for sure, we like pretty things. We buy stuff partly because it’s practical and largely because it’s smokin’ hot – and if our stuff is smokin’ hot, it automatically renders us smokin’ hot. Those folks at Apple sure know how to make stuff look good, and they’re super-talented at packaging a product into an entire experience and marketing it as a personal branding tool. And just when we thought we couldn’t get any hipper, they throw yet another slick product at us that screams ‘BUY ME, I’LL MAKE YOU COOL’ which we will surely embrace with open Apple-arms. Don’t these people know our generation lives off credit cards? How much more can we take?

A crapload, apparently.

HTC’s Desire Android phone (that phone Google are trying to use to kill the iPhone…or something). Kindle. Nook. Kobo.  But we don’t care for this technology. All we care about is the next intoxicating drug the good doctors at Apple’s Silicon Valley HQ will administer. We want our next hit and we want it now. And it’s about to be dealt to us in the form of a giant iTouch: the iPad. Steve continues his quest to slay The Google Machine and gain world domination with the May 28 global launch of Apple’s new every-digital-product-ever-conceived-by-every-one-of-our-competitors killer.

And for a starting price of just over $600, you would want your shiny new iPad to be pretty. The real question is: how rad is the iPad and does it even matter? After all, it’s by Apple which means it’s cool which means if you buy one, you, too, can probably be cool…that’s if you’re into that kinda thing. Maybe you’re one of those normal people that doesn’t need iStuff to complete your iLife.

If you’re seriously thinking about buying one, but know more about it’s stylish looks than it’s tech specs, here’s a dumbass’s guide to the iPad…

A DUMBASS’S GUIDE TO YET ANOTHER APPLE INVENTION
(apologies to the Maclots for my obvious ignorance of MacSpecifications)

Why you should NOT buy an iPad

• Maclots, ie people who know all there is to know about Macs, don’t like the iPad because it doesn’t have all the capabilities of a notebook or netbook – probably because it’s not a goddamn notebook or netbook, it’s a frickin’ iPad.
• it doesn’t multitask which means you can’t do a whole heap of stuff at once. But that’s OK… people have a lot of trouble multitasking, too, we all make mistakes. But never fear, this will supposedly be rectified with the rumoured June landing of OS4.0 for iPhone/iPad.
• it doesn’t have a camera. Luckily, you still have your digital SLR, your compact point & shoot, your Baby Holga, your dad’s old polaroid instamatic camera  from 1981 and the Hipstamatic app on your iPhone. Phew.
• it doesn’t run Flash which is also OK seeing as more and more (mobile) content is being coded in HTML5. I’m sure there’s an actual reason why iPad doesn’t run Flash…maybe Steve would know.
• it doesn’t have a USB port which is a bit slack seeing as everything except human beings have USB ports.
• you like the feeling of the paper stock every time you turn a page in one of those splendid antiquities…what are they called again? Oh, that’s right, they’re called books and newspapers.

Why you SHOULD buy an iPad

• like the iPhone and iTouch, it has email and web surfing capabilities – but no Flash. Note: much of the multimedia content on the web is built via Flash. What happened, Steve? Did someone piss you off?
• you can read ebooks, enewspapers and emags – no more lugging around those annoying tomes that add another 400g to your bag. Plus, think of all the space, arguments and charges of assault you’ll save by not taking up three seats on a packed peak hour train because you’re reading a broadsheet.
• it’s actually very awesome for sharing photo albums and photo viewing. And when was the last time you held an actual, tangible photograph shot with 35mm film?
• it’s got the wow factor and gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling that everything is ok because you bought a new Apple product – also known as iGlow.
• if you’ve got all the other iStuff, why wouldn’t you want to complete the whole family? Nobody likes to be estranged from their family, the iPad is no exception.
• because it’s cool and everyone else is going to buy one so you should, too, and if you don’t, your Maclot buddies will forever try to assimilate you into their way of MacLife. FOREVER.

* Disclaimer: if you’re thinking about buying an iPad for any of the above reasons, please don’t. Or at least, do some actual research.

The iPad launches globally on 28 May. Prices start at $629 for the 16GB wi-fi only tablet.